The Heart of the Matter My Achilles, My Strength, and My New Chapter

In 2016 my beautiful second child was born, a gift so precious so pure, he was such an easy child, really he was. Life with him was easy, however I was waging a war internally, I was without love, I felt unloved and lonely in my marriage.
It wasn't the greatest relationship to start with. We will delve more into that a bit later, for the purpose of this piece, I will share the highlights only.

As I am cradling my new born, the overwhelming love and sense of achievement filled my heart so much, that I burst out crying, sobbing uncontrollably, because in that moment I wished I could place all the love I feel for him in a big jar and he would forever see it and know it as my love. But what does he know he is merely an infant, a few days young and he has no concept of what love is, what it even feels like or how precious he is. 

I also cried for myself, my loneliness, finding myself lost and alone, frustrated, with my then current situation.
The lack of love, support, partnership and desire I need and deserve. I was someone's wife, I was someone's partner, I was so much more than just the person sleeping in the other room or a housemate.
Though the tears I grabbed pen and paper because believe this or not I was still working throughout my maternity leave, even though some corporates tell you to take time off, they - then managers don't mean it.
They will suck your energy dry they will deplete you, they will steal every moment, or minute they can for their benefit.  As I am chasing contractors for timesheets and attending to a hungry baby, the overwhelming sense of loneliness, exhaustion, and defeat rained down on me. Who am I, what am I, where do I belong, why am I here in this situation.
What felt like a lifetime of regrets and bad choices, rushed through my mind, and it dawned on me the greatest thing I ever wanted was LOVE acceptance and to be understood.

I wanted it all.
I wanted to be LOVED the way they love in the movies, a "The Notebook" 
I was longing for the love where you would do anything for me as I would for you, the love I give and gave was and is always abundantly present and available.
​It's pure its strong and its presence can be felt and seen in the way I show up for you.
Because I didn't have it or felt it in this relationship,   MOST IMPORTANTLY I didn't give it and I could not give it, as it started out with pressure and an ultimatum, disguised as a caring friend who only wanted to comfort and support me.
From all the hurt and pain of being with someone I didn't really love fully, someone I could not share with truthfully, and where I wasn't allowed to express myself authentically for 8 years.
I started writing about my pain, I had no idea it would become a poem. and after about a books' worth of venting, i asked myself what is love... what is love to me, and how would anyone and how could anyone and how has anyone ever experienced my love when I loved them and so this poem was extracted and penned from my pain

"Love Me with Your Whole Heart,
​Look at ME, see Me and Only Me
My Love is my Achilles
I Love Fiercely, Deeply, Passionately
In the Moment with No Regrets" 

Get the full story of Pieces of Me in no particular order on my blogs, my channels and my podcasts, these are all shared experiences and if you resonate with any of this please do reach out.  Life can always be a bit better with more Love - More Self-Love..., more awareness and being present and knowing where you are at in your moment 

Much Love x0x0
​Caroline